Joshie Turbohandsome: Duck Dork

Genre(s): Humor, romance, contemporary

— With his hand wrapped gently around hers, Joshie Turbohandsome whisks Tiffany Hypergorgeous down a flower-laden trail until they reach Passion Pond, a small lake known for its dock where lovers go to watch the sunset. Joshie has visited the spot numerous times and knows it well, while Tiffany is just discovering it now.

JOSHIE: Dearest Tiffany Hypergorgeous, my heart beats fiercely to the trumpet of our love. It’s here, at Passion Pond, underneath the blusterous colors of the setting sun, that I share with you a place where romance reigns, where our love can bloom freely into a thousand colors.

JOSHIE: But alas, I fear that such a place is not worthy of one so beautiful, and you will, double-alas, be not as pleased as my love desires.

— Tiffany Hypergorgeous strokes his cheek and in a gentle voice, she tells him:

TIFFANY: Dearest Joshie Turbohandsome, please hurry up and show me this romantic spot you were talking about. I really need to pee.

JOSHIE: Sorry, I keep forgetting girls have to do that too.

— Hand-in-hand, the two lovers make their way around the lake. They keep walking until they've passed the dock and arrived at a wooded area. Brushing aside some branches, they uncover a little spot by the shore that— while peaceful— seems much better suited to a kind of waterfowl than to humans. Joshie Turbohandsome doesn't seem to be aware of this fact, though.

JOSHIE: My exquisite little teacup, this here is a dash of vigor in the joie de vivre, a veritable wellspring of romance.

JOSHIE: Please, I implore you; let us sit side-by-side and together enjoy this beautiful night.

TIFFANY: Sure. I guess we could for a second or two…

— Tiffany and Joshie help each other sit down. Joshie sits directly on the grass while Tiffany sits on top of her feet to avoid getting her dress wet. Once the two have made themselves comfortable, they take some time to admire their surroundings. They see a few pine trees, some dandelions, a rock…

— …and directly in front of them, a mallard duck wearing a backwards baseball cap.

TIFFANY: Hey, uhh… Joshie, why are we sitting here, exactly?

JOSHIE: Why are we sitting here? Please render me your patience as I clear the fogs of forgetfulness… We're at Passion Pond because… Ah! I got it!

JOSHIE: There’s a little ducky that hangs out in this spot. I imagine we can sit and watch the sunset by the duck. Isn’t that romantic?

TIFFANY:  I’m sorry but no, not particularly, no.

JOSHIE: Oh. I see.

JOSHIE: Well, did you notice it’s sporting a baseball cap backwards, contrary to its principal function of facial solar protection? The charm and impressiveness of such a feat, does that not add an air of romance?

TIFFANY: Maybe slightly…?

JOSHIE: Ah! Then this next point will surely send the romance flowing through your veins! Listen, here! The duck can talk!

JOSHIE: Little Ducky with a Hat,

As we’re here out in the wood

Answer please o if you could

With an answer well and good

What do you call a doctor that does medical malpractice?

LITTLE DUCKY WITH A HAT: Quack.

TIFFANY: Can you say anything else, ducky?

LITTLE DUCKY WITH A HAT: Sorry, that’s all I know.

JOSHIE: Ah. Too bad.

— Tiffany turns toward Joshie and places his hand in hers, startling him slightly. She sighs.

TIFFANY: Look, Joshie I appreciate you trying to show me something romantic, but this kind of thing just doesn't scream ‘romance’ for me.

TIFFANY: And plus, I do really need to use the bathroom. We’ll figure something out later.

— She stands up and begins making her way back the way they came. There might have been one of those self-cleaning bathrooms back there. Those are the good ones.

— As for Joshie Turbohandsome, watching Tiffany Hypergorgeous walk away causes him to be struck with a terrible realization.

JOSHIE: The dock! I meant to bring her to the dock and watch the sunset! Dah! I’ve confounded ‘duck’ with ‘dock’! Triple-alas!

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